Things women do that freak men out

Female habits that really freak men out according to Glamour Magazine:

• Women wearing uncomfortable shoes.
• Doing sad things on purpose.
• Reading your guy’s horoscope.
• Asking hypothetical questions.
• Making the bed.

Women from Venus, Men from Uranus

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes

Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster… My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands were talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn’t paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn’t get it up for an hour and then I couldn’t come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn’t fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another fricking hour.

The Perfect Couple !

The Perfect Couple
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived.

The question is: Who was the survivor?

WOMAN’S POINT OF VIEW
The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place anyway. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

MAN’S POINT OF VIEW
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, that means the perfect woman must have been driving. Which explains why there was an accident in the first place.

Marriage is like a deck of cards

Marriage is like a deck of cards… In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end… you’ll wish you had a club and a spade….. Just sayin’

Five tips for a woman…

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on! And who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don’t know each other.

Women about Men

1. Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy.
2. Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
3. Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
4. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals”
5. Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor
6. A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ”I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.” The woman replies, ”I’ll miss you…”

Rules from the male side!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat.  You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down.  You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon Or the changing of the  tides.  Let it be.
4. Shopping is NOT a sport.  And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
5. Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want.
6. Let us be clear on this one:  Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work!  Just say it!
7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
8. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it.     That’s what we do.
9. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
10. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
11. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
12. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
13. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.  Don’t ask us.
14. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it  done.  Not both.
15. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
16. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
17. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
18. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.  Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
19. If it itches, it will Be scratched.  We do that.
20. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,”  We will act like nothing’s wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
21. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
22. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine…Really.
23. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, Or golf.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. You have too many shoes.
26. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this  Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Men are like…

1. Blenders.You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
2. Chocolate Bars.Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
3. Coffee.The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
4. Commercials.You can’t believe a word they say.
5. Computers.Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
6. Coolers.Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
7. Copiers.You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
8. Curling Irons.They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.
9. Government Bonds.They take way too long to mature.
10. Horoscopes.They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
11. Lava Lamps.Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
12. Mascara.They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
13. Parking Spots.The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.
14. Popcorn.They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
15. Weather.Nothing can be done to change either one of them